Happy and sad…

LifeGivesLemonsToday is one of those emotional days. I am on a happy/sad roller coaster.  Both feelings evoke tears and a runny nose.  I guess I’m just allowing myself to have one of “those” days.  I feel absolutely grateful for two successful surgeries (but can’t help but wonder how many more are in store for me, they hurt like hell) and on the other hand I am so sad that I feel like I am grieving for my old self, my old life, before cancer.  (and not just my life, but Rick’s life, my family members, my friends, my co-workers.   I often think, what would I have been doing today if all of “this” didn’t happen?  I am not depressed, I am just releasing.  This doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, I do it alone and re-assure myself that it’s okay to do this.  I believe this is the first time I’ve actually written about it.  I do believe these moments keep me strong and motivated, but I simply have to let go at times and literally go with the flow.   I am not vain, but I look in the mirror and wonder who that woman is?  I don’t recognize her.  The inside and outside has changed.  Do I like her?  Yes I do, but she is different.  I am still getting used to her.  She has changed forever.  Even if I beat the odds and live a few years cancer-free, it will always be on my mind and that’s the part I cry about it.  I just want to kick it and forget about it, forever.

Tomorrow will be  a better day.  My home care nurse Vanessa is coming by in the morning to remove the gazillion staples in my abdomen, (let’s hope the incision stays closed), I will be heading afterwards to the local Canadian Cancer Society office to have my photo taken for being the local top fundraising team for the recent Relay for Life and then in the afternoon, I am expecting two visitors, one neighbour Joanne and Melissa who is a childhood friend of mine that I recently connected with again via Facebook.

Please don’t worry about me, I am completely fine.  My tears have now dried up and I am headed outside to a beautiful outdoor bed pool-side, to listen to the waterfall and to dive back into a great book that I have been reading, titled “Best Friends Forever”, a smart, witty fairy tale for grown ups.  I am going to be courageous this evening and will attempt to cook a nice dinner for Rick & I.  (shrimp & scallop pasta with a white wine garlic sauce)  The sauce is pre-mixed so as long as the noodles don’t stick together and I don’t overcook the seafood, it should be delicious!)