We met many years ago. I fell in love with you when we first met. I thought over all these years that you were one of my best friends. You have been there to comfort me in sad times, in happy times, those times I was bored and those times that I was too busy for anything else. You gave me a incredible comfort that I always came back for more. I totally understand why I wasnâ€™t able to stop thinking about you, or hanging around you because you see, you always made me feel good. Even when I thought I had enough of you, you still continued to make me feel good.
As of late I have been writing things down, I mean typing things up, adding notes to this virtual journal of mine. It has given me more comfort than you ever did, which is strange to me, but I have been learning a lot about myself lately, since I first heard those words “you have cancer”. I feel sometimes when I look back to 9 months ago, that I have been kind of holding my breath in, but now I can exhale and release negative feelings and actions with a little more ease. This is something I struggle with daily, but I now live in the moment, or for the day and although I do make plans for the future, it hasnâ€™t been my priority. I want you to know that I do forgive, but I donâ€™t forget. So getting on with my note to you, I want you to know that I wonâ€™t forget you, but I do need to part ways with you and say goodbye. This is very difficult for me, being that we have been through so much together. You simply cannot be a part of my present or my future. One day at at time, I will get over you.
I have been educating myself and becoming more aware of my choices. I am the only one that can make these changes and I have told myself that although this is a very difficult decision for me to make, it is a decision that has to be made. I have to start putting myself first. You see, my judgement of you was blinded. I ignored all the signs that our relationship was not healthy, but I saw the best in you so those signs were easy to dismiss. I also didnâ€™t want to acknowledge that the friends you hang around with are also toxic. Once I hang around you, your friends want to join in and after a while all the fun gets old and I just donâ€™t feel good. The crappy feeling would pass quite quickly so we would meet up again and repeat the party all over again. I have had enough. So with that said, I am saying my final goodbye to you. I have been with you a little bit here and there in the past few months but itâ€™s getting easier to stay away from you, simply because I know you are not good for me. I should have written this to you a long time ago, I must apologize to myself for not having the strength to do it sooner. I believe that you encourage and feed the monster that lives inside me. This monster called cancer. I think if I keep hanging around you and your sweet friends, yep, even the nutty ones, that you will think that cancer is your friend because it wants you more than I do. I canâ€™t let you two get together and kick me out of the picture, so I am breaking up this trio.
Since we have been great friends for so many years, I am sure I am going to call on you once and a while, but our visits will be very limited. Short and sweet is going to take on a whole new meaning now. Eventually I will be able to see you at a party or run into you at the store without giving it a second thought that the right decision has been made. You can stare me down as much as you like, or wear your best outfit to attract me to you even more, but I am in it to win it.
Time heals everything and healing is what I have to do, so goodbye my sweet.
Goodbye my sweet…… chocolate.