Archive for October, 2010

Why not me?

Sunday, October 31st, 2010

Karrie May 13 2010 d

I wonder why everyone asks “Why me?” instead of “Why not me?”

I know I have become a better person because I have chosen to embrace this challenge, despite the odds.

It’s not something I ever would have asked for, but you know, sometimes we need a fire lit under our ass to make us do the things we have always really wanted to do, but just never made the time to do them.   That is a sad thing, but I think a true thing for each and everyone of us.   Please don’t wait for your fire, take control and do something you’ve really been wanting to do.

I read somewhere  that “Our tomorrows are not promised, each day is a gift, that’s why it’s called the “present”.

Trick or Treat?

Sunday, October 31st, 2010

Happy Hallowe’en everyone!   I will take a treat this time…. no more tricks this year please.

I have had enough of those for a while.

Well maybe, wait a minute now…. I guess I can hand out the tricks right?  Keep these doctors wondering why she isn’t dead yet.  Boowhaa!   Boowhaaa !   

Hey Cancer….. did ya get the memo?

Yep…. I am kickin’ your ass and I am going to brag while I am in the lead….. don’t want you ringing my door bell any more…. move on because I’m not leaving the lights on for ya!   I am saving all the tricks just for you sucker!   It’s my turn for some treats… and I’m not referring to the sugary ones, I’m talking real life good treats like “no pain days” and “hair re-growth”

ps.  Screw you because I look better with eyebrows!   Now I can make that cross, stern look.

Gosh that felt good.  🙂

Breathing much easier…

Saturday, October 30th, 2010

I finally got my phone call !  Had a nice chat with my oncologist and she is quite pleased with the CT scan results.  I would like to think that hard work does pay off.  Two surgeries, chemo, and all the other stuff that we did for the past 10 months has given me a little sense of relief.  I say little, because cancer is not predictable and circumstances can change quickly, so let’s just say I am breathing much easier.  She noted that the area on my upper spine is still questionable, so the bone scan next week should answer this inquiry, she mentioned also that a small cyst was found on one of my ovaries which she said is common in 40 yr old women and not to be alarmed by it…. but how can I not be?  I am thinking, yank those too… then cancer will get tired of taking the detour routes with me and just give up.   So my new plan of action in this trip in cancer-land is to start bringing the physical me back.  My hair is starting to come in thicker, it’s very short, has more gray than I realized and it’s very curly.  Mom loves the curls… just like when I was little, she says.   Also, if this bone scan comes back with ok news…. then surgery #3 will be booked for late Jan or early Feb, to do a colostomy reversal.  This is another major operation, but I will certainly look forward to the end result of this one.  Having a colostomy really hasn’t been that bad, I have learned how to creatively camouflage it and I have to admit that at times, it can be rather convenient.  All kidding aside, it will be nice to have my body looking the way it is supposed to.  I don’t care about scars, those are just souvenirs from the biggest roller coaster ride I will ever be on.  They aren’t nice souvenirs, but they sure give me a daily reminder of how precious life is and not to take advantage of it anymore.   The remainder of my life, no matter how many months or years I have will always consist of check ups, scans, bloodwork, etc, etc.    I call it the maintenance package and I am okay with it.

These are contagious…

Thursday, October 28th, 2010

I am sorry today has been one crazy, busy day…. no time to write, but I am sure this will make sense….. here is today’s post, in yellow.

🙂

I’m goin’ crazy…

Wednesday, October 27th, 2010

How much longer can I hold my breath, or keep this anxiety at bay?

This is not fun…. I am already fighting the sugar monster on a moment-to-moment basis and I have been quite successful at keeping her/him away…(trust me, this is one strong, wicked monster, but I’m winning however it still sucks all the mental energy out of me) … BUT  come on now…. I was all geared up yesterday to finally hear the results of the scan, ringer on as high as it could go on my cell phone just to ensure I didn’t miss “the call”. 

Well, after leaving a couple of voicemail messages to Nurse Paul…. he called me at 4:00 pm with an apology.  (and here I am apologizing back to him also for being so impatient)  What is wrong with me?  This is not a “did I get the job” question I need answering.  Oh well, that’s me, guess it has to be  a good quality.  I am proud to be a chronic people pleaser, and I am still learning that I should come first, but that’s a whole other topic. 

I am sorry honey, but we just don’t have any results yet, but we are anxiously waiting to see them too, your case raises our eyebrows, so as soon as we know, we will call you.  Is this a “canned” response to keep nervous cancer patients at bay to keep their stress level down, or am I really that special?  Who knows.

It’s likely that we won’t have any news to report until the end of the week.  So the scanxiety continues…. hopefully I can win the fight not to immediately go out and buy a big container of ice cream and a soup ladle to scarf it down.  I won’t, but you bet your ass I am thinking about it!

I just pray that the “expert tech” that I have been waiting for to read the scans is at the top of his game when my file gets to the top of his daily task list.  I hope he doesn’t call in sick, I hope he is not replaced with someone who hates his job or drank too much the night before.  So… yes, I will wait a few more days if it ensures that the right person reviews the scans.  I am headed out for my morning swim so I can think my way into more craziness, I mean get my daily exercise.

Five Year Warranty…

Monday, October 25th, 2010

So this is what cancer does to you (me).  I can’t speak for anyone else, but I would assume experiences and thoughts would be quite similar.   You see, not one day can goes by that I am not reminded of the dreaded “C” word.

On the weekend I splurged again.  Retail therapy trumps hugs (this is unfortunate but I am being truthful) while I am trying to calm my nerves dealing with the wait game until I hear the scan results.   I finally gave in and bought myself a Dyson vacuum cleaner.  I love it, and I have to admit that I was actually looking forward to “playing” with it yesterday.

Who looks forward to vacuuming?  I know, I shake my head at myself too.   Anyway, so I am putting the unit together and reading the instructions (I suck at tasks like this) and I managed to do it all by myself without any “second opinions”.  Score one for me.  Yippee.  Well then I see the warranty card stuff.   Five year warranty… awesome.   So instead of being excited about my new toy, and the nice warranty, this is what I think. 

“I wonder if I will expire before the f**kin’ warranty does?”   Before you think I’m crazy, you must agree that it’s a legitimate question, come on now…… Ugghh !   I can’t be beat by a vacuum!  In a way I found this humourous….. really, if you think about it…… what would my obituary read like?

Karrie A. Roy….. survived by parents, brother, sister, aunts, uncles, 1 nephew, 3 nieces…. and her Dyson vacuum !

🙂

Scanxiety not over…

Saturday, October 23rd, 2010
Yesterday was the day I was supposed to hear the results from last week’s CAT scan.
Here’s the scoop after the trip (3rd time this week to London for cancer crap)
Had some usual bloodwork done & weighed, and then sent to a room to wait for my oncologist.   First a young man, medical student came in asked a few questions, asked me to get on the exam table and he checked out my abdomen to check out incision, etc.  and then he asked me to sit up so he could listen to my breathing….. what I thought was wierd that he was examining my throat and back too.  He kept asking me if I had any pain between my shoulder blade area and lower neck…. I said nope (but this got me worrying…. uggh)
 
Dr Mackenzie came in and asked me how I was doing…. I told her I have been on pins & needles with scanxiety results.  She says….. “well this is going to make it even more difficult to tell you this”….. so immediately I am thinking… oh f**k, she is going to tell me that I am toast, game over.
 
This is what she says…. “I am sorry but the expert tech hasn’t had an opportunity to see your scans yet…. “…… I immediately start to breathe again.  Phew…   She did say however that she was concerned about metastatis to my lungs, and from what she could see, my lungs are clear… Phew…. dodged another bullet….. (however she is not the expert in reading the scans, but I’m sure she has seen enough of them in her career to make a pretty darn good judgement call)…. she also said that she saw an area in my upper back/lower neck that she “speculates” is just arthritis…. but she asked if I would go to the x-ray dept before we headed home for Chatham, so off I went and got that taken care of.  She has also booked me for another bone scan to check this area that way too….. great, more radioactive injections, my insides must be glowing !   I am concerned, because I had a bone scan just shortly before my liver surgery and all was clear at that time, so I was told.  So the bone scan is booked for the first week of  November, not too long away.     ps…. she said my liver has regenerated quite nicely, pretty close to it’s original size !   Yippee !!!     She said this doesn’t always happen, so I will take that as a good sign. At least if I have to have any future tumours removed from the liver, the surgeon will have some “material” to work with, right?
 
I will find out the results of last week’s CT scan this coming Tuesday…..
… will keep you posted.
ps.   I had lunch with Rick’s Mom last week at the retirement lodge…. she says to me… “Oh Karrie, we had the best lunch yesterday”….liver & onions…. I gagged…. she didn’t quite understand why I was giving her a disgusted look…. so I said…. “you do know that’s what they removed from me right?  And you ate it…. gross !”….. she said that liver is very good for you….. let’s just say, I will take her word for it.   I always thought it was one of the most disgusting things on the planet to eat when I was a kid…. and now as an adult, my opinion hasn’t changed… I’m just sayin’ ! 
Oh well, at least I can laugh about it.   

CAT scan day…

Thursday, October 21st, 2010

Thank you to my friend Sherrie for sharing “Scan Day” with me.  If you have never had a CAT scan, let me be the first to describe the experience for you.

Well 1:40 pm was my appointment time.  Time to drink a pitcher of orange flavoured “kucka”.

(The straw helped get it down)  Nurse says you have 45 minutes to drink it.  So I played nice and drank it all as ordered.  Yuck, but I have had to drink worse things, so no complaints really.  Not to mention, nurse says…. if you have to pee the bathroom is right over there!   Yeah, no holding it.

Please remove your clothing and we’ve got a nice gown for you to wear.  Hey, this time I was given pants to wear too!  Now that was different, too bad they didn’t match the gown, but oh well.  I was then moved to another area where a male nurse (I’m getting lots of male nurses in this trip in cancer-land, and I kinda like it)  Nurse Marco’s turn to poke me and insert a catheter into my arm so the technicians can inject some radioactive crap to light me up internally for the scan. 

Karrie-Ann, (my health card name, or my “your in trouble” name), it’s your turn, you can leave your shoes on and have a rest on the table here, get comfortable and I will adjust the pillow for you.  Note the “table” is the part of the huge CAT scan machine that slides back & forth with you on it, while you get your “pictures taken”.  (and yep, I smiled for the camera, well, inside my head anyway).  I know, I am strange.  I just want some good shots, with no signs of cancer, so if a smile helps me get this result, I was gonna give it my best grin. 

Please leave your arms above your head, you will soon know when we give you the injection through your IV, as you will feel the following sensations.  Yep, they weren’t kidding…. I have to pee, oh wait, I already peed, or wait, I think I am peeing now.  And no, I am not being silly this time, you see the stuff they inject into you, gives you the sensation that you have or are wetting yourself.  Wierd.  I also felt like my chest area was really warm like a little bon fire had ignited, but it was over as quick as it started.  A voice behind the walls says…. take a breath in…. hold it…… hold it….. crap, I am a non-smoker and for some reason I can’t hold my breath for very long, felt like I was probably turning blue, but I made it through.  This holding your breath repeats a few times while the scan is being done.  Ten minutes and the whole process is over.

The scan is the easy part, it’s the waiting game, the scanxiety that sucks.  Three more sleeps until the results are given to us….. I would rather count how many sleeps until I get my ass to Bora Bora, but I’m not sure if I can count that high.  LOL !  

Dear Lord… please give my ears some great words to hear, and if you are a game player, please see what you can do to get me the “get out of jail free” card.  I promise I will play nice in the sand box.  I will make a difference, just give me some “more”.

Amen.

Scanxiety setting in…

Wednesday, October 13th, 2010

Well, next week I am due for my first CT scan since surgery #2…. I haven’t even had the test yet and I am already feeling anxious, nervous, concerned, worried… etc.   Ughhh…. back to reality for a while….. so will my winter holiday be spent in a chemo clinic or in Mexico for a week?  My vote is for a trip somewhere, a place where I am not a patient, but a tourist instead.  Unfortunately my vote won’t be counted.  It’s not up to me.  It’s up to cancer and I hate that !

Havin’ some fun…

Sunday, October 10th, 2010

DSC00056DSC00058DSC00060DSC00069DSC00084We took my niece & nephew to the Brigden Fair yesterday…. cotton candy (done), big fun slide (done), face painting (done), awesome helicopter ride (done)… I was having so much fun that I forgot to ask the kids what they wanted to do!