I must apologize for my lack of posting & silence for the past month or so.
I have been enjoying the break from dealing with cancer “stuff” and trying to live a normal life and to look forward to the Christmas season. Last Christmas I was given the worst gift ever. The words “you have cancer”. I arrived home from the hospital one day before Christmas Eve and I have to tell you, it was not a Merry Christmas. All I could think of at that time, was this may be the last Christmas I ever celebrate with my family. Very, very sad.
Living with cancer is like living with a stalker. I feel like I am always looking over my shoulder, always in protect me mode to ward off the next attack, thinking the what ifs all the time. I have to think twice about every thing I put in my mouth, is it nutritional? Am I being the best cancer fighter I can be? Am I making the most of this day? Yes this is what is always on my mind, so even though I say I have been enjoying a bit of a break, I actually am. I know it may not make sense, but it does to me I guess.
I think this past month I have switched modes from cancer fighter to cancer survivor. Blogging helps me heal. It turns my sad and/or angry moments into productive healing energy. Yes there are days that I do grieve or mourn. I grieve for my old self. The me before cancer arrived. Sometimes it’s hard to remember, because this has been such a roller coaster ride of a year.
Today I am back in cancer fighter mode. Today I meet with my surgeon to discuss when we can do operation #3. I am hoping for Jan/Feb, but it all depends if he gives me the green light and when he can fit me in. It’s kind of ironic that 3 days short of one entire year, me and my surgeon met for the first time. He saved my life that day. I was hours or days away from septic death. My “canniversary” or my “re-birthday” as I call it, was Dec. 14. Wow what a year!!!
I will keep you posted as to what happens at the appointment today. I am hoping for more positive news. Hopefully the traffic light is working and is beaming a bright green colour for me today with no road blocks in sight.
Screw cancer, I am going after you again. It’s time for me, not for you.