I am one lucky woman. Every 3 months for the past one and a half years, I have been winning the lottery. The lottery of life. I have the same old ticket too! I take great care of it, it’s not very wrinkled or worn yet, but sure has lots of miles on it.
I woke yesterday morning with only one thought in my mind. Will life change today or will I get another break? It’s raining hard, the sky is grey, it doesn’t help my mood. I shower quickly and off we go to London to go see my oncologist. The windshield wipers are getting a workout, it’s hard to see. Rick’s a great driver, I feel totally safe. Now that I think about it, I don’t think we spoke about cancer crap the whole one hour trip there, despite where we were heading to. I think that might be called progress?
As we walk into the cancer clinic I am thinking two things. The first thing is the obvious one…. I shouldn’t have worn flip flops today. It’s cold out, it’s raining, therefore puddles everywhere and my feet are soaked and slippery and now I’m cold. Stupid. You would think that I would be wondering how the appointment was going to play out? Nope. We continue walking toward clinic #3 where my doctor is accepting her patients of the day. I don’t even think I looked or even spoke to Rick. What’s wrong with me? I feel his presence next to me and that’s all I need. He is always there for me. (another lottery win here). I am looking around and there are patients and their family members everywhere. The clinic is busy today. I wonder what everyone’s story is. What kind of cancer, what stage, how they deal with it. You rarely hear any laughter in that place, in fact no one hardly smiles either. It’s a quiet place. It’s sad really. I think that everyone should chant together like stomp our feet in rythym with one another and repeat “screw cancer” over and over again. I do this in my head but it just doesn’t have the same affect. At the very least there should be loud music playing with inspirational songs playing like “I believe in Miracles” or “Firework” by Katy Perry. Google it and read the lyrics. You will get why.
Rick was the buzzer holder, you know the kind of thingy you get at a restaurant when you are waiting for a table to be ready? We were given buzzer #99, I glanced over to look at it. I am weird with this numerology thing all the time. Number 9 is my favourite number. So I get two nines? It’s got to be a sign of good news to come…. right?
Yep it was a sign. I answer all the usual how are you feeling questions and what the next plan is. It was a very quick appointment. Blood tests were reviewed. My CEA level has increased again, but “you are within normal range”. Yes it bothers me that the number is increasing every time I get it checked, but if there is a normal range in this land of cancer then I will accept it, graciously and with a smile. I look at it as a reminder to just keeping living each day to the fullest and make good use of my time.
Rick & I couldn’t leave the cancer clinic fast enough. We are doing ok ! He says to me on the way out…. you do know you don’t look like most people here right? You don’t look sick. Don’t you realize yet that you are winning the lottery? I nodded my head to agree and walked faster. A bit teary eyed. Get me out of here. I got shivers all over and it almost felt like I didn’t belong there. The best way I can describe my feeling at the time is that I wanted to walk as fast as I could because I was visualizing that cancer was contagious and if I stuck around it would recognize me and follow me out the door. That’s not a nice thing to think, but honesty is the best. I can’t help the way I felt at that very moment.
Back into the rain, and my feet are soaked again. Off to lunch with friends to celebrate. After lunch Rick and I went to my favourite ice cream place because the greek salad & veggie soup I had just weren’t satisfying my craving to “eat my feelings” so to speak. Yep, once an emotional eater, always an emotional eater. A cold rainy day late September is a perfect day to go out for ice cream isn’t it? No more talk of cancer for the rest of the day. Now that was nice! That was the cherry on the top of our day!