I am interupting my cottage dreams experience to talk about the present time and day. I have to get these feelings off of my chest. I was going to wait to post about what tomorrow will bring, after tomorrow. I am driving myself crazy again. No matter how hard I try not to think about things, I just have to admit that I will not be successful in keeping these thoughts out of my mind. The only medicine I can think of to help myself get a decent night’s sleep tonight is to just spill my feelings all over this keyboard and release this negative energy out of my fingertips as I type on these keys. It has to help, right?
Anyway, tomorrow is Dec. 12.
What is significant about this date? It’s an anniversary date. It’s the date that 2 years ago my journey into cancerland began. Although I actually didn’t hear those words ” you have cancer ” until two days later on Dec. 14, it was Dec. 12 that the journey began, the day that I was admitted into the hospital so doctor’s could figure out what the heck was wrong with me. Okay, the anniversary date is one thing. The other significance of this date tomorrow, is that I will be in my oncologist’s office. Judgement day has arrived. I will be learning of the test results from my latest CT scans and bloodwork, my six month check up.
How am I feeling? Let me explain…. my emotions are all over the place, but I’ve narrowed it down to the two best scenarios to best describe them. This is what cancer does to the brain, well I mean what it does to the thinking process.
Scenario #1… I feel like a little girl on Christmas Eve tonight. Will Santa bring me all the presents that I wrote down on my list for him? Did I really make it on the nice list? Have I been good enough? Oh I can hardly wait, only one more sleep until I find out if all my wishes will come true! I know I’ve been good, in fact I’ve been great! I do everything that is asked of me. I will definitely get everything I want, it will happen for sure. I am so confident that there is no doubt in my mind. I can’t wait to open my presents to share with all my friends!
Scenario #2… it’s the eve before judgement day. Court will be in session. Will I be found guilty or innocent? Will the judge be kind and empathic, will he lessen my sentence? Please Lord I pray that the words out his mouth will be “Life without parole” at least that translates to one word “TIME”. I don’t know if I can bear to hear those words again, “death sentence”. Lethal injection, poison.
My Mom used two words the other day when she was talking about a friend of hers and I am going to borrow those words tonight.
I am not sad though, but I’m not happy either. Wait a minute, yes I am happy, but I’m not happy go lucky. ??? I am so confused really, I feel so many things, but yes I guess I have to admit that sad and happy would fit it there somewhere but they are overtaken with other words like anxious, nervous, terrified, courageous, hopeful, determined, uncertain, etc.
Like I said, I am driving myself crazy. Don’t worry about me though. I will be totally fine, no matter what comes out of my doctor’s mouth tomorrow. Seriously now, do not worry. I am only spilling my emotions out right now because I have been open and honest and most importantly, real. I feel I owe it to myself first to be as raw and exposed as possible to help myself to heal. I have to believe that my doing this blogging thing for me, it also helps you to heal. To heal whether your concern is about me, or if it’s for someone else you love that is dealing with cancer, whether it’s you yourself that cancer also picked a fight with, or even if you are not personally affected by cancer. We can learn from each other.
The last several days I have been visited by several angels in the form of human beings. Some of them I have known a long time but I don’t see them often, but is it just coincidence that they visited this week? I doubt it. They didn’t know that this doctor date was soon approaching. A couple of them I just met. I will not know until tomorrow exactly why they touched me this week. There are two reasons. They either are reminding me that they are with me through the great test results or that they are with me through the grim test results. Either way I am blessed because I am able to recognize their embraces.
So, in closing I am going to say GOOD night to you. Yes, good night, not bad night. Sweet dreams are planned. I have to stop playing out the scenarios in my head of how tomorrow will play out. Deep breath in, long exhale, repeat.
I will awake and shower in the morning. What am I going to wear? My big girl panties of course! I am going to walk into that damn cancer clinic with my usual “cuck fancer” attitude and I will deal with the hand that I am dealt. Let’s see what the next six months of life will bring!!!
ps. Please know that I feel your support and will be taking it with me in my pockets. Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. You are what gives me the strength to fight each and every day.