It’s 6 am, I can’t sleep. Burping, hot & clammy, just yucky. I feel puffy all over, red faced, yuck. This “chemo to go” infusion pump can’t come off me soon enough. My VON nurse will be visiting me today at home to do the chemo take down. I can’t wait to have a shower. I just feel ugly and poisoned. Even the smell of the tape that holds the needle in place on my chest has a certain hospital type smell that makes me gag. I carry the infusion pump inside a fanny pack around my waist. I don’t even like to look at it. Who wants to look at the poison that is making them feel this way? Not me. Back to the shower, can’t wait. I don’t care that I will have a couple of handfuls of my curly hair wrapped all around my fingers after shampooing. It’s a sign that this shit is working. The plus side of bringing the chemo home for a 3 day stint is that I can be some version of me. I am not a the Cancer Clinic where last time I was identified as pager number 429, bed number 12C, state your name, state your birth date. Ughh. There is nothing better than being in your own surroundings with your own pillows and cozy blanket and people that you know. Although I am not up for visitors on chemo days, I spend the days in bed, letting the stuff flow through my veins to ensure me some more good days.
I am in the living room, it’s dark. Our dog C.J. is snoring and running somewhere in her sleep, and Rick is peacefully sleeping. He runs like heck all day long and I only see him a few hours each day. I hate that, but it is what it is. He never complains for having to pick up my slack and I am so very grateful. I wonder if he realizes just how grateful. I sure hope so.
Well, I managed to get a copy of the official MRI report the other day in the chemo unit. Turns out both tumours are still there. Yes that part sucks as I initially was told one had disappeared. At this point in time, they both have shrunk about half their size. I have another chemo date on June 29 and I will meet with my oncologist to figure out the next step. More chemo or another MRI…who knows?
One day at a time.