Finally she’s back…

Hey not to worry about me….. we interrupt this blog to bring you Fifty Shades of Grey, of Dark, of Freed, a trip to Saint Joseph, Missouri to visit my best friend, the Relay for Life, and oh yeah, those doctor appointments that remind me of reality.  I have been feeling pretty good both physically and emotionally, not to worry, you know me, always kicking tires and gritting my teeth with a smile.

On my bad weeks (chemo weeks which are every other week) I am let’s say very YUCKY.  I call it punky.  Pukey and funky equal punky.  I taste metal for a week and I feel like I even smell like chemical warfare.  I won’t tell you about the other side effects because they are just plain nasty and gross.  Chemotherapy drugs are some nasty shit and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  I hate the treatments but I force myself to respect them as people work so hard to find cures for all types of cancers and I myself seem to be benefiting from the drug cocktails I receive.  They are buying me time.  The tumours are shrinking.  Tomorrow I will be going back to the cancer clinic along with my Mom to endure the 3 day stretch of chemo round six.  Half way through treatment, at least that’s what I think at this point, as plans seem to change often. 

My oncologist and my liver surgeon meet with other doctors and specialists once per week to discuss unique cases.  I consider myself lucky to be one of these unique cases as this body of mine is being poked, prodded, questionned and tested a lot to figure it out.  I am told that I am responding to the chemo much better and quicker than most in my situation.  We don’t know why but I will take it and run with it.  I believe that my extreme will and determination to stay on this earth is keeping me here and guiding me through this journey.  My spirit is strong and I just refuse to be depressed.  I choose to keep living a normal life as much as I can on the good weeks.  I will allow myself time for recovery and rest and all that other important stuff, but depression and stress are words and emotions that I don’t focus on.  Sure I am human and sensitive, I do have the periodic meltdown or cry fest but they are seldom and I don’t hold them back, I go through the motions and then dry up my tears and put my big girl panties back on and move forward.  Each day I feel is a bonus day and I will treat them as gifts. 

So back to the fun stuff….. I flew to Missouri to go visit my best friend Kim.  It had been 2 years since we saw each other in person.  It was a great visit, catching up on old times, talking through our current events and troubles and good times and just being there for each other.  I loved seeing her new loft apartment and my creative juices were flowing big time.  I love to decorate and I couldn’t sleep the first couple of nights because I was helping her decorate her place in my mind.  I couldn’t count sheep, I couldn’t count my blessings, I could only count on her taking me to all these cool places to shop at to help her spend her money!  I wish our visit could have been longer and of course I wish we lived much closer to each other.  Thank goodness for email and Skype and text messages.  She is always sending me positive messages and I so appreciate her!  I must have looked like quite the basket case when I had to go to my gate at the airport.  We hugged lots, and of course the tears were flowing.  I looked like a cancer patient with my bandana on.  I’m sure people were looking at me funny with my bandana, thin eyebrows, red face and continually wiping my eyes and nose as they were both running.  I was sad to leave but happy to be going home to Rick and C.J., sad to go home to a chemo appt, happy that Kim could get back to her regular routine.  A very emotional day for sure.  Kim also helped me decide on two new wigs to take home to surprise Rick with.  Yes, he has two new girlfriends to take on dates.  I brought home a brunette and a redhead!  Red equals passion which I am full of and I think the red matches the fire under my ass to beat this disease!  I was afraid that Rick wouldn’t like the red one because he did state he preferred blonde or brunette, but much to my surprise when I modelled both for him, it was the redhead that was chosen to go out for the first date. He named her Nikki.  I’ve mentioned before that every woman should have at least one wig, they are so much fun and you do feel kind of like a different person when wearing one.  I feel more confident and I don’t feel or look sick.  I am the more fun version of me, well at least I think so.

For  now liver surgery is on hold as per the meeting that Rick and I had with my surgeon last week.  The doctor said that if he operated now, I could pretty much count on a lengthy hospital stay with major complications.  My question to him was “major complications?…you mean like death and/or quality of life?”  His reply was yes.  So back up the happy bus, we aren’t doing surgery now and we may not do it at all.  Time will tell.  My best chance for more time here is to cut out the cancer as chemotherapy alone doesn’t cure.  I know I was diagnosed as terminal but my doctors are remaining hopeful and still aiming to cure me.  They aren’t writing me off just yet and that’s the best scenario that a patient can hear.  I will continue to motivate my doctors to keep discussing my case, me and my situation.  I want to be the patient that beats all odds and sets an example that no two patients are alike.  I am up for the challenge and will give it my all.  I have already lived 6 months more than the average patient in my situation.  You and I have lots to do with this.  We echo each other’s strengths and thank you for being with me on this journey.

I promise to post some current pictures as soon as the lazy relaxed part of me gets her butt in gear.