Light my way…

December 13th, 2013

A little glow therapy by the Christmas tree.

Ahhhh,  I feel much lighter.

image

Loving my hair, and yep, it’s my “real hair”.

(I get asked this question quite often lately)

I was out shopping with my Mom yesterday and she didn’t even recognize me at one of the stores, and we travelled together!  I think it’s kinda funny, because this has happened a few times recently with other people.  Poor Mom felt bad, and said “but I am your Mother and I’m supposed to recognize you no matter what!”

Here is my thinking…. I finally blend in with the rest of society again and can escape from my reality of living with cancer and not seeing stranger’s sad glances at me or avoiding me all together because I had a scarf on my head.

December 13th, 2013

image

November 30th, 2013

image

November 30th, 2013

image

November 30th, 2013

image

Just show up…

November 13th, 2013

Yes I do admit that this “job” of mine is very difficult on a daily basis. Saving my ass in a physical sense is just simply getting out of bed on the tough days and getting dressed out of pyjamas would be considered dressing up to go to an interview, then there is the mental part of the project. Escaping into the lives of those people acting on television is much easier than being motivated to smile or see the light in my own life.  When I was a student, in primary, secondary and in college, my teachers always rewarded & commented on my perfect attendance. Once I started working out in the real world, again perfect attendance. Even if I felt ill, I would show up to work even if i had to drag my ass all day.  my co-workers & employers depended on me and I have never been one to let anyone down intentionally. Now I realize that that worth ethic and serious devotion to my jobs prepared me for this seriously tough job I have at Save My Ass. I will continue to show up to work every day, over-time is never declined and the benefits far out weigh the dreaded difficult tasks I get presented with sometimes. I plan to have perfect attendance here to and to give my very best effort each and every day until I am no longer needed here and I have to move on to the next phase of continued growth and enlightenment.   Self employment is the toughest type of job out there. You have only yourself to depend on for your livelihood, but a good entrepreneur learns very quickly that if you surround yourself with other qualified professionals, that know what they’re doing and can mentor you when needed, your security in the future will not be compromised. Just show up for work every day, it’s the only thing I know I can count on myself to do. The pay is worth it.

 

 

Loving this quote…

November 11th, 2013

image

We miss you…

November 11th, 2013

Today I am wearing a special bandana. It belonged to our fur baby C.J.

It has a balloon pattern on it. She would wear it whenever there was a birthday in our circle of friends and family.  Today we honour her birthday with a heavy heart as we miss her so.

Sending you a big kiss on your freckled nose, through the glass on the photo frame C.J.

Happy Birthday in heaven! xo xo

 

image

Why so positive?

November 9th, 2013

Almost every day, sometimes a few times a day I hear “How can you be so positive?”

It’s simple. 

I think negativity fuels yuck-ness, it’s junk food for the soul, what good could come from it?  

I believe it’s a one-way ticket to shrivel-ville whether you are fighting an incurable disease or simply complaining about the colour of the sky, it just takes up too much energy, it’s draining!

Keeping myself open to absorb everything that makes me glow is what I believe has gifted me yet another day to write about this crazy, unpredictable journey.

Pre-cancer,DSC03017 I was busy.  Maybe busy isn’t the best choice of words.  I was busy, yes, but more like “distracted”, too wrapped up in trying to make a living that I wasn’t fully enjoying the life I already had.  Like most people my head was in the sand thinking it won’t happen to me, I’m young and have my whole life ahead of me.  I am going to work my butt off and retire early and young.  I was literally delivered a big old whammy.  My retirement is not what I had visioned and hoped for.  Here is a photo from those very days.  I hardly recognize that woman now.

More than ever I ask myself this question.   Am I a human living a spiritual experience or am I a spiritual being living a human experience?

I ask this because so much good comes my way each and every day.  I try to share all the warm & fuzzy and pay it forward the best I know how.  I makes me wonder if heaven really is right here on Earth and the irony and ultimate test is whether we are open enough to realize it?  And those that do realize this, do they have an even greater surprise once these bodies we live in deteriorate?  If my life ended today, I can honestly say that am fulfilled.  Family, friends, co-workers, customers, and even strangers constantly enlighten me. 

I think I could write my own “Book of Awesome” if I simply wrote down every happy gift that I receive each day. 

Negativity.  I see and hear it all the time and it just drives me crazy.  Sure we all have bad days and can’t see the forest through the trees.  Do you think people might be happier if they focused on the positives in a day instead of getting all worked up about stuff?  Just for the heck of it, I wrote up an inventory list of my today’s happy.  I felt good this morning, and now by writing things down I feel even better!  Try it, you might just get yourself out of a funk!

– A delicious green juice, freshly made by me for breakfast.  Love me some green!

– Trying on a pair of jeans from my “maybe someday I will lose weight section of my closet”, and they fit!

– My brother and my nephew picking me up a coffee and inviting me out for dinner with them tonight.

– My sister and two nieces suprising me with a little visit, a green tea and hugs.

– This apple tastes delicious, so crisp and flavourful, my favourite thing about autumn.

– A woman I don’t know asks me “excuse me but is your name Karrie?  Forgive me for asking, but you have been battling cancer, right?  I want you to know that I pray for you.” 

– A neighbour  friend asking me to accompany her on Monday to shop at my favourite greenhouse.  They have a fabulous Christmas display!

I look forward to the rest of the day!  All this happened before noon. 

Can you see what being positive does?  It opens you to more positivity!

 

 

Discussing the future…

November 8th, 2013

Tomorrow, Thurs, November 7 , an important meeting will take place at Save My Ass Inc., however I will not be in attendance.

A number of cancer specialists consisting of oncologists, radiologists, and surgeons referred to as The Tumor Board, will gather together to discuss complicated cases such as ours.  (I guess I should say “mine”, but I have always felt like we are in this together by default)

These medical professionals will collectively brainstorm to determine the best plan for treatment.  I am very grateful that we are being discussed.  To me it means that my primary oncologist is not afraid to seek second opinions for what she feels is the best plan moving forward.  I have always felt that two heads are better than one and if we think about the obvious benefit here, it’s simply that each one of them will bring their past and present successes and failures to the table for discussion.  Brainstorming to give me an opportunity to stay here with you and to keep one step ahead of this hijacker inside me.  Not many patients get these chances, we are lucky.

This is not the first time that this Tumor Board has discussed us.  In fact, I believe it’s the third time.  We benefited from one of the new advances in radiation treatment of liver tumours earlier this year which was a direct result of one of these meetings. 

I wish I could just make a small appearance at the meeting.  I am confident that they all have our best interest at heart, but wouldn’t it be incredible if I could take all of our collective positive energies in that room with me and show them, that we are not weak, we live and breathe happy, focused, determined, energetic and hopeful.  We want to live and will do anything to do so. 

Although I already know that I ooze soul and spirit and if that alone could cure cancer, I would personally knock on every cancer patient’s door and spread the love and motivation.  I am realistic and am constantly reminded that I have no control of when cancer will return again.  All I can do is stay positive, nourish my body, mind and spirit and trust in the powers that be.

Last week I learned that the ovarian mass tested positive for malignancy which just confirmed what we already knew before surgery.  The good news is that it isn’t a new primary cancer, meaning it isn’t ovarian cancer, but rather a metastatic cancer from the original bowel cancer.  The fallopian tubes, uterus, cervix and omentum all were free of any signs of cancer.  The mass was contained an successful removed.  My bloodwork (CEA level, cancer marker) came in as undetectable levels.  So this is where the question arises.  Do we knock me down with chemotherapy and radiation as a preventive measure since no signs of cancer are there at the present, or do we wait and see and treat when it returns?

I personally would like to wait until the new year before making any decision, to give my body a couple of months to regenerate strength and to give my head a break.  I could possibly be gambling as I have witnessed patients dying within weeks of diagnosis, but I have to trust my gut instinct here, I trust I will be okay.  I love feeling good and just want to enjoy it for awhile.  I feel better now than I have in a long time, despite this big operation only 6 weeks ago. 

I accept each and every day with grace, even the tough days.  So with that said, I will be graceful and patient and will calmly wait for a couple of weeks before I learn the results of this meeting.