A little break…

I must apologize for my lack of posting & silence for the past month or so.

I have been enjoying the break from dealing with cancer “stuff” and trying to live a normal life and to look forward to the Christmas season.  Last Christmas I was given the worst gift ever.  The words “you have cancer”.  I arrived home from the hospital one day before Christmas Eve and I have to tell you, it was not a Merry Christmas.  All I could think of at that time, was this may be the last Christmas I ever celebrate with my family.  Very, very sad.

Living with cancer is like living with a stalker.  I feel like I am always looking over my shoulder, always in protect me mode to ward off the next attack, thinking the what ifs all the time.  I have to think twice about every thing I put in my mouth, is it nutritional?  Am I being the best cancer fighter I can be?  Am I making the most of this day?  Yes this is what is always on my mind, so even though I say I have been enjoying a bit of a break, I actually am.  I know it may not make sense, but it does to me I guess. 

I think this past month I have switched modes from cancer fighter to cancer survivor.  Blogging helps me heal.  It turns my sad and/or angry moments into productive healing energy.  Yes there are days that I do grieve or mourn.  I grieve for my old self.  The me before cancer arrived.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember, because this has been such a roller coaster ride of a year.

Today I am back in cancer fighter mode.  Today I meet with my surgeon to discuss when we can do operation #3.  I am hoping for Jan/Feb, but it all depends if he gives me the green light and when he can fit me in.  It’s kind of ironic that 3 days short of one entire year, me and my surgeon met for the first time.   He saved my life that day.  I was hours or days away from septic death.  My “canniversary” or my “re-birthday” as I call it, was Dec. 14.   Wow what a year!!!

I will keep you posted as to what happens at the appointment today.  I am  hoping for more positive news.  Hopefully the traffic light is working and is beaming a bright green colour for me today with no road blocks in sight.

Screw cancer, I am going after you again.  It’s time for me, not for you.