Guess I’m transparent…

What a let down.  Here I have been thinking that I do a good job of hiding things, my anxiety about the upcoming 3 month follow up CT scans at the end of this week.

Not so.  Rick sees right through me.  I have been trying so hard to not think about the scans but it is just impossible.  It’s not the scans that are the problem.  That is the easy part.  The hard part is the wait until the results come in.  There is just so much that rides on these results, not just potential surgery at the end of the month (which I want), but it really is a matter of life and death.  I am pretty stupid for even thinking that I can hide my anxiety.  It’s not as if I am checking my lottery tickets…. or is it?

If the scan comes back with good news then I can continue thinking that I just may beat the odds.  If it comes back with bad news than I really need to start working harder on my bucket list.  All I can say that if it’s bad news, you will find me face first into the largest bag of cheese Doritos that I can find.  Yep, I admit that I am an emotional eater.

I fight my sugar monster every day and for the most part I do great.  This is extremely hard.  It would be so much easier to fight cancer with some of my best comforting friends, Hershey, Frito-Lay and Breyers. 

Lately I have been asked how I am feeling and my reply has been ” I feel so good that it scares the crap out of me “.  Now does that make sense to any normal person?  Doubt it.  This is what cancer does to you.  It’s hard to accept that maybe I could be “healthy” afterall.  I should be celebrating, but instead I am a bundle of nerves.  Just to hear those words again… cancer, you, have, more chemo, your next appointment is… the list goes on.  It will never be over.  I have accepted that.  I just don’t want to deal with the big let down if it happens.  It’s hard enough to be told once in your life time that you have cancer.  I know I am not in denial, I know I am living with cancer, or let’s say managing cancer, so I like to think that I don’t technically have it.  Now I sound even more messed up don’t I?

Time to rally the troops, my good cells, make sure they are still standing on guard.  I have a date with cancer on Friday.  I hope it’s camera shy and chooses to stand me up.  Time will tell.   Can you hear the clock ticking as loud as I do? 

I am going to close this post for now, give my mind a bit of a break so that I don’t think about “stuff” before I head to bed in a while.  Sweet dreams please.  Rest does the body, I mean, the mind, some good.