Wait and see…

Well I am happy to report that I am medicine free!  Even though it will only be for a two week period at most, I am celebrating it anyway!

Last week “we”, meaning me and this monster that I carry on my shoulders every day… did the pre-admin appointment.  Poke this, poke that, swab this, swab that, the dreaded scale, chest x-ray, ECG… all in a day’s work…. getting ready for the big day (if it arrives, we have to wait until Friday for the green light, God I hope it comes)

I also went back to London a second time last week to have some more bloodwork done at the cancer clinic this time and then I headed off for my CT scans.  The scans were of my chest, abdomen and pelvis.  I have had a few scans now but this one wasn’t so pleasant as my veins were not co-operating.  Maybe scar tissue, maybe because I was tense, maybe because I was extremely cold.   I was trying to keep my mind off of things as I was laughing at myself with the hospital issue gown, and pants, and then my boots to set the outfit off, I was just so cold.  The boots were not the best fashion accesory.  I felt bad for the nurse.  His name was James.  He was very nice, about my age, probably younger.  He said I was “lovely” because I didn’t complain about the number of times he had to try to get the IV needle in me.  I figure why ruin his day?  I actually said out loud to him “shit happens, don’t sweat the small stuff”.  After he ruined the veins in both my arms (elbow pits?), he finally caved and asked for another nurse to try me out.  She said that she had to access my hands instead.  I had to be wrapped up in the warmed blankets and hot wash cloth on my hand to get the blood flowing so that my veins would appear for her.  After a few minutes of her warming and tapping my hand about 20 times, she finally got a vein good enough to inset the needle.  I don’t like it in my hands, those sting.  After what came next, I will no longer complain about needles in my hands.  She proceeded to tell me that when they inject the CT contrast into the IV through the hand, the access or needle is much smaller than the ones that go into your arms, and it is going to hurt like heck she said when they do the injection.  The worst part is that when you go through the CT machine, you have to lay absolutely still and hold your breath until the voice tells you to breathe again.  Yep, the injection did hurt the heck… like I was putting my hand on top of a fire cracker that was lit.  My fingers went absolutely numb.  Ouch that wasn’t pleasant.  I would actually rather deal with surgery and staples than that.  It was over as fast as it came.    Well now I can breathe, the scan is done.

I left the hospital and decided to treat myself to an expensive lunch and eat at a restaurant all my myself.  Weird I know, the going by myself thing.  I am not shy, and I am a big girl now, so I said WTF, I am going.  The old me would have went directly to the first McDonald’s that came by and ordered a combo #1, super size with a diet coke to wash it down.  The cancer warrier me, went to a real restaurant and enjoyed a green tea, and a spinach salad with champagne strawberries, orange wedges, blueberries, goat cheese and dressing on the side. 

I left the restaurant and headed for Oakville.  I planned to stay the weekend visiting some family.  My Aunt Sue and my Aunt Ricki (Rachelle), two of my Dad’s sisters. As always we had some good chats, good laughs, good food, good shopping, etc.  The weekend was an escape for me to try to keep my scanxiety at ease.  The guest room that I slept in has a large framed photo on the wall of two of my heavenly angels, my Meme & Pepe Roy. (grandparents).  It was so nice and comforting to camp out with them for two nights.  I gazed at their photo before I fell asleep and when I woke up in the morning, having a brief internal chat asking them to look out for me and give me strength to get through this fight.

We went to church on Sunday morning.  The church that I was baptized in.  We lived in Burlington until I was three.  Anyway, St. Dominic’s Catholic Church has a beautiful choir and the mass was not as formal as sometimes masses can be.  I wouldn’t say that I have been a very religious person in my lifetime, however I am extremely spiritual, does that make sense?  I think my chats with my angels on the wall had an influence.

The sermon was about “anger”, how we deal with it, react to it, etc.   Of course my mind always relates to cancer and the fight it picked with me.  I was listening and paying attention.  What I got from the mass was what Father said…. “we can judge the size of a person’s soul  by the size of what angers the person”.   Well I don’t think I have ever been really angry at my disease, so I must have a pretty big soul.  Yep, let’s go with that!  I choose the word disappointed rather than angry.  Mass was almost over and out of nowhere I had a little meltdown.  Where the heck did that come from?  I was saying a little prayer inside my hoping for strength to deal with whatever outcome I receive this week with the scan results.  Strength to either recover from the operation and strength to deal with the worst case scenario, return of cancer and chemo and shortened life span.  The waterworks were working.  My kleenex was soaked.  The ironic thing is that as soon as my tears dried up, the last song was about to begin, I turned the book to the right page, and then the title of the song was “YOU ARE STRONG”.   I believe I was meant to go to church today, I don’t go often I admit as I don’t need a formal place to be spiritual, but I am sure glad that I did go, on this particular day anyway.

The drive home was nice to reflect on  my weekend and to think about the week ahead and hoping for many distractions and restful sleeps until we get the results on Friday.

It’s always nice to get away, it makes coming home even better.  Back home to my guy and my doggie. 

Inhale, exhale.