I feel so darn good today! I feel like I am on top of the world. Am I dreaming? No way! This is real !!!! I have to share with you…..
This morning I drove myself to London to the cancer clinic (everyone was busy working) and I didn’t think I would need anyone to lean on for support today anyway. I filled the car with gas and loaded my favourite music c.d. for the hour’s drive. It is a c.d. that my sister made for me last summer. Of course she loaded all inspiritional songs on it to cheer me. One of my faves is from the eighties…. “Ain’t nothing gonna breaka my stride…. ain’t nothing gonna slow me down…oh no…. I’ve got to keep on movin….” (good thing no one can hear me singing right now).
So I arrive at the clinic…. registered myself and off to get poked from the friendly nurses in the lab area… more bloodwork needed. If the results are yucky, I will get a phone call. Maybe I will leave my cell phone turned off then? Wish I could.
I waited almost an hour to see my oncologist. While I was waiting I was reading a few chapters of a great book by author Kris Carr. It’s titled Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor. I love it and she is one inspirational cancer kicking ass survivor herself. My daily goal is also to be a crazy sexy cancer survivor for as long as possible. She reminds me that I can’t live in the future and just gunn through the present. A one way ticket to shrivelville she calls it. And you know what? She is absolutely right. Live for today ! I think I already do a pretty good job of this, but who doesn’t want to plan for the future, there is so much I want to do while I am healthy! I can’t take healthy days for granted any more. Nobody should. It doesn’t matter if we are 20, 40, or 80 years old. Diseased or healthy.
So my buzzer goes off, time to close my book, and I’m off to the scale to be weighed. I am not afraid of this beast anymore. I am going to kick it’s ass too! Yippee! I’ve dropped 10 lbs since my last visit! I was standing on the scale (it’s located in a general hallway where patients and doctors/nurses travel, not private at all). So this man (a fellow cancer fighter nonetheless) decides he wants to be funny and puts his foot on the scale (to add a few pounds) while I am waiting for the red digital lights to make their mind up and tell me how much I weigh. I could have decked the guy, but I didn’t, I laughed it off. For an instant it felt like a physical presence of cancer trying to sabotage me, that’s what bugged me. It’s bad enough that I think cancer fighting thoughts literally every time I blink, so it seemed as if it was a physical being tormenting me with a little jab like it would be saying… remember me? Oh yeah, don’t you worry. I remember. Ugh.
I am now in the exam room and I am greeted by a nurse. (not my primary nurse this time) She introduces herself and looks at me funny and says to me with a puzzled look on her face, “Karrie, you don’t look anything like your file states you should look”. I knew exactly what that meant. She was expecting to see a frail 40 year old woman, gaunt looking and half dead. And you know what? I am supposed to be that way at about this point in time. I love raising eyebrows… and not by means of wearing some crazy outfit that screams you are too fat to be wearing me! So the nurse and I speak briefly, I answer some of the typical questions like rate your pain, how’s your appetite, coping ok?
She leaves and a few minutes later in walks my oncologist. She looked at me and then looked at me right again like she had to blink to clear her eyes. She had a huge smile on her face and the first words out of her mouth were “Oh my gosh, you look absolutely beautiful !” I haven’t seen her since last November so yes, I have physically changed somewhat. I have to admit that I have always been self conscious and not very confident in the looks department for most of my life. It is very difficult for me to accept compliments with grace. I have a feeling that many women probably feel this way too, which is too bad really. Only now, after being told that I had a two year prognosis do I accept the words, you look great, you are pretty, you are beautiful. I’ve worked so darn hard to be a wellness warrior and I have to admit that it feels great and I accept kind words now. I need to. Not to be conceited or super confident to strut my stuff so to speak… but I accept those kind words as fuel for my soul. My inner strength to stay on this path of “thinking that I am healthy”, therefore maybe actually “being healthy” too?
One does not expect a cancer doctor to tell you that you look great. Especially a doctor that had delivered the most grim news to me only a year ago. All I can say is that I feel like I am on top of the world today. I am screaming “yahoo” and waving a huge flag with an anti-cancer symbol on it, hoping that all cancer fighters and people that support those cancer fighters hear my echo and realize that statistics aren’t always accurate. Each one of us is unique and there is always hope! Never give up.
I am wearing my yellow daffodil cancer awareness pin today with pride and remembering the parting words that Dr. Mackenzie said to me today. “Keep doing what you are doing and enjoy the next 3 months until your next CT scans”.
I am going to follow doctor’s orders. I wish I had a globe. Most people spin it to the left, but I would spin it to the right and say… Ha! There’s always two paths! I know what one I’m taking. Care to hop on for the ride? Yahoo !!! Yippee !! Look what I can do!
Dear Cancer…. screw you! I’m globetrottin’ today!