A new Spring…

Spring is my favourite time of year.  Maybe because I love to garden, maybe simply because it’s just so beautiful to watch life come back again.  Birds are chirping, their babies will soon arrive, the bunnies & squirrels are loving my plants, everything is just fresh again, I can play in the dirt and make my surroundings pretty to look at every day and be one with nature.  I often refer to my back yard as my church.  I can be busy with a shovel and garden gloves, dirty and sweaty in my play clothes and reflect at life and say my graces without actually going to church and crying in public because I am so thankful to be here.

This is what I am thinking at the moment.  It is a beautiful Sunday morning.  It rained last night again (the wet deck is the only evidence because I sleep like a rock).  The sun is out and I am sitting with a breeze listening to the world from my backyard.  Traffic in the distance, but I am concentrating on the light wind and the birds and my dog breathing so heavy so deep in sleep, some things we take for granted.

I think I am at peace today.  Well as peaceful as I can be despite “it”.  We all know what I am referring to.  Yep that big “C”.   Ten minutes ago I was writing in my head.  It’s strange to be hanging my summer curtains and changing the bedding to spring colours and I am inspired to sit down for a moment and chat with you.  Or am I chatting with myself?   Pause.    I look up and outside the window, the leaves on the trees are blowing just slightly… I smell the laundry drying outside.  Mmmm, I love that scent.  I just don’t have an answer for this question.  Who am I really writing to? Me?   You?  Them?   Him?   It?

As I am fighting with the curtain rod and stretching as tall as I can be on my tippy toes, my abdomen quickly reminds me, go get a step stool you stupid woman…. you can’t do things like that.  Your insides have been turned inside out and sideways, 3 times.  Work smarter, not harder.  (ughhh)  So I get a step stool and continue with the heavy white fabric….. thinking now… quit complaining that you stretched too far.  You have so much to be thankful for.  Remember what you were doing this time last year?   Last spring?  

You know the saying spring forward and step back when it’s time to change our clocks?   Well last spring it was uncertain if I really could spring forward.  Spring was more like a twisted up slinky that was forever stuck.  This time last year I was in the middle of chemotherapy treatments.  I looked well let’s say like a cancer patient, but still with a smile of course.   I was weeks away from liver surgery.  Will I survive the operation?  Will life be different without a major section of my liver?  Will they open me up and find out that I’m too far gone?  Will I be able to continue with chemotherapy?  Will my finger nails fall out?  Will the Relay for Life that’s coming up be the one and only that I’m able to attend?  Will I be alive to see next spring?  Will next year be my last year?  How will my family cope if cancer wins?  Is my heaven really an eternal shopping mall?  Will I see my friends and family again that have pre-deceased me?  Do dogs  go to a different heaven?  Is my body strong enough to endure what is ahead?  And exactly what is ahead anyway?  More surgeries, more chemo, different drugs, wheelchair, chair for the shower because I am too weak to stand?  Will I die at home or in a hospital?  The questions never stopped.   And now that it’s spring again, I feel it’s a new kind of spring.

Full of many questions of course, some the same, but some very different.  I am hopeful more now than ever.  Even though scanxiety is setting  in again.  My next CT scan of my lungs, abdomen and pelvis is soon approaching, just 4 weeks away.   The date is set for June 23.  My cousin Mark’s birthday.  Let me take you back to last year for a moment.   My liver surgery was scheduled for June 21.  I was all set and prepped, ready to be wheeled down to the operating room.  In walks the nurse and informs me that we have to reschedule to June 23 to accomodate a last minute liver transplant patient.  I accepted graciously.  June 23 was meant for me because as it turns out some of my questions were answered at a later date when the pathology came back on the liver with better than expected results.  So June 23 was truly a lucky day for me, it was meant for me.  Now jumping back to present time, June 23 is set for my next scans.  I spoke with my cousin the other day and I told him that he is a special angel to me because we share this date.  I told him I think it’s a sign of some good news to come.  I believe we are connected/guided by an angel that we both know that is communicating with us that this is the right path and not to worry, I will be okay.  He started to get wet eyes and so did his wife.  I couldn’t keep it to myself.  I want him to believe too, not that I ever doubted anyone’s belief for that matter, but I don’t like to keep things like this to myself, it will drive me crazy.  I see angel signs everywhere, every day.  Some I share, some I keep to myself.

Well one curtain hung and the rod propped up against the patio window, it’s waiting for me to get back to it.  As I step back on the stool, I am stepping forward, springing forward and hopeful for good news to come.  Please let it be good news.  Please let it be good news.

Happy Sunday, Happy Spring !