Thank heaven I have it. The Bounce Factor. I don’t know what else to call it, perhaps stubborness, motivation, determination, DENIAL, they all apply. Just a few short days ago I endured chemotherapy round number 9. Only three more to go is what I keep telling myself. This time my dear friend Elma (her husband represents products from Rick’s company and she assists him) accompanied me to the cancer clinic for treatment. She lives almost an hour away from me, yet was so gracious to make the early morning drive to pick me up and then drive yet another hour to get to the clinic. I feel like such an inconvenience sometimes, it was nice to take the load off of my Mom and Rick. I graciously accepted Elma’s offer to take me and I know it helped her too because the best thing to do for our friends sometimes, is simply let them be our friends. Let them do unselfish things for us even though we find it difficult to accept. Why is it so hard to say “yes I would love your help”, but so very easy to say “thank you” afterward? A question we may never know the answer to.
Back to the bouncy-bounce. I’m back. I’m feeling good, not 100% (will I ever be?), but I’m feeling my new normal let’s say. I’ve gone from throwing up at the cancer clinic while my nurse rubbed my back to comfort me, and cleaned up after me, before treatment was even completed, throwing up on my front lawn when Elma delivered me back home, throwing up in the wee hours of the morning to now enjoying a couple of great days. Yesterday I decided out of the blue to haul my ass to the beach. It has always been a beautiful place to me, I feel at home and totally at peace at the beach. The sound of the waves calms me and helps me focus. I packed up my little fun car, loaded the only seat beside me with beach stuff, took the convertible top down and headed south to Erieau, a local beach about half an hour from home that I have many childhood memories from.
The drive itself was really enjoyable. It’s a releasing feel good feeling to drive in a car with no top. And then there’s me of course with no top also (meaning hair). Here I am quite the sight I’m sure people wonder what style or look I’m going for. I like to pretend that I am movie star with my bandana on and big black sunglasses, a princess that doesn’t want to get her hair all messy. Yep, let’s go with that. It was nice to drive on the country roads instead of sweating my way through short distance errand runs through the city. I cranked the music and listened to a CD that my bestie Kim had made for me. A collection of various songs from our much younger years that meant something to the both of us. It triggered many memories and I sang my heart out all the way to the beach. Thank you Kim for the musical inspiration today. It kick started my venture. That’s my kind of prescription. I am one lucky woman to have so many friends and family members and of course my guy Rick, all who carry the title “DR. FEELGOOD”.
I propped up an umbrella that had been sitting in my garage, brand new for 2 years just waiting for a trip to the sand and sun. It was a beautiful sunny day. I had the beach to myself. I got all comfy on one of my fave blankets that I brought home from Mexico several years ago, rolled my huge beach towel into a nice pillow and rummaged through my bag only to realize my chemo brain came along with me as I had forgotten to pack a book and a magazine. Crap. Now I have to deal with my mind. Me, myself and I. Sometimes I just want to escape, to not have to always think about stuff. Crap. Here I go, deep in thought. What am I thinking about? Is this beach date really an escape from reality? No. I don’t think I will ever be free. I am not complaining because in retrospect it was good therapy for me to “just be”. I was in the moment, feeling the sun on my skin, the wind over my body, the sand in my toes, and of course the soothing sounds, the birds, the waves, the dog barking in the distance, the boat motor as it passed by. I was inside my head. I started to think and reminded myself that in just one week’s time when I head back for round ten I will also learn the results of my recent liver test via MRI scan. What is my oncologist going to tell me? What will the surgeon have to say? What am I going to do?
I guess I was meant to forget my book, my magazine. I was meant to read my own mind. I was meant to let the “what if’s” go and deal with the present. Live in the moment. Find joy in the day, the experience as it’s happening. You feel good, you will be good. Life isn’t done with me yet and I’m certainly not done with it yet. I have too many good things to do with those that I love, too many things to do for them and them for me, too many places to travel to and too many experiences to make happen. I wasn’t able to fall asleep on my beach blanket, but I did meditate, well I think that’s what you call it. I went deep into my head, made sure the focus button was turned on high and then checked it twice and when I left the water that day I felt okay. I felt energized and relaxed at the same time. I can do this. Just keep on keeping on. I got this.