Never heard of vitamin P, or vitamin F? I take a daily dose of it, sometimes I have to double up on the dose for the tougher days, but Positivity and Faith are helping me out big time. I am in control. Well, this is what I tell myself all of the time. I can’t let myself think negatively. It just isn’t going to happen. The body follows suit to our minds and what I have learned first and foremost in this journey in cancerland is that the only thing really and honestly speaking that I do have control over is… my mind. I can control every thought.
Radiation treatment is now complete. All 6 treatments. I know it seems like a very limited number of treatments and I still wrap my head around this, not that I am complaining at all. The trips back and forth to London to the clinic are very tiring and I hate the hour drive there, especially when I don’t feel so great. I hate going to the clinic and facing so many other people fighting like me. Reality sinks in when I walk in the clinic doors. It’s “That” place. Sarcasm aside, it’s also that place that is keeping me alive. Sometimes I have survivor’s guilt because I am beating the odds and frankly I don’t “look sick”. Sure I am wearing a bandana and have the typical look but my face is smiling, I am perky and full of life. I do empathize immensly with the frail patients and sick patients. This will likely be me one day but as long as I remain on the up side of positivity and determination I believe I can steer my prognosis in the right direction and not travel backwards. I talk with other patients in the waiting rooms while we are sporting our lovely stylish blue gowns. I learn their stories, share mine and we feed off of each other’s energy. None of us wants to be there, but we have to.
Modern medicine has been for lack of a more obvious term, a life saver. Rick and I met with my radiation oncologist on the last day of my radiation treatment this week to discuss how I have been feeling, the side effects, what we can expect in the next few weeks, etc. My doctor told us that he is very hopeful with the success of the radiation. (let me back track here and state the obvious, I have gone from, sorry there is no cure for your cancer, to we are aiming for a cure) At the very least, it will certainly extend my time here with you. He told us that…wait a second…. this is still hard for me to accept…. that I have received one of the highest doses of radiation in all of North America. Now how many people can say that? Not many. I am so incredibly blessed and I never take any day for granted. Each one is a gift. Sometimes I have to spend that gift making sure that my sofa and television behave which is the hard part. Cancer recovery can be very lonely sometimes as everyone else’s lives just carry on as normal. However, when extreme fatigue sets in, that’s how I roll, I tell myself it’s okay to be lazy and no nothing. I just let my mind envision my body healing from the inside out to make it seem like I am accomplishing something.
So now the waiting game begins or maybe I should re-phrase these words and say that now the recovery begins. In about a month’s time I will undergo an extensive scan to see how the treatment has progressed (it’s a continual thing). Although the treatments are done, the cancer should be slowing dying away from my liver. So back to the recovery. I am going to use this month to put my body into shock. A different better kind of shock. I imagine that I am a walking toxic overloaded dump inside. Chemotherapy drugs and all the other side effect drugs that went with it, the radiation, etc. I bought myself an expensive gift, but my health is worth it. I will be shocking my body with vitamin G, for green. Veggies and clean eating are my priority. It isn’t going to be easy, but I have to do it. So this juicer I purchased is amazing. I am drinking green juices from a variety of veggies and some fruits, but mostly veggies. Yes, don’t worry, I am also eating good food too. Healthy choices. Those people closest to me likely think that I am off my rocker, but really I don’t think I have the luxury of choosing any other way. I have to fix me. I may not cure this beast but I sure hope to at lease manage it and wrap a huge lasso around it’s neck. Since diagnosis I have done a lot of research, lots of reading. Cancer hates veggies, cannot thrive in an alkaline environment, feeds on sugar, etc. I won’t bore you with the details and medical lingo that goes with it. All I know is that I can count on myself just like I can count on my team of doctors. I am going to heal all of my organs right down at the cellular level where cancer starts. I want cancer to be stopped dead in it’s tracks and say the same three words when we first met. What the f*ck? I can control my mind and what goes in my mouth. Mind you, I have always been determined in the mind-set avenue until a bag of Doritos is in front of me. I can do this. I really don’t see that I have a choice. I will give this my all. I will help the doctors to help me. I want to leave them guessing. How is this chick still alive? She’s not supposed to be here. She looks great. What’s her secret? And better yet, how can we continue to help her? Now that’s the key ingredient. I fully believe that if I continue to show a fighting spirit to my doctors, to present to them that I can handle whatever they throw my way, that they will continue to seek new advances and collectively work together to help me. I want to be able to share my journey. I want to inspire others that are told they are terminal, that they will be lucky to see a couple of years (reminding you I am going on year 3 now!) Every time my home care nurse comes to the house to flush the port in my chest and do the routine check up blood pressure, etc…. I see the charts. The word “pallaitive” on top. That word if you don’t know what it means is simply about keeping the patient comfortable while preparing for end of life. No way, hose eh! I hate that word. I am prepared to stay out of my comfort zone and continue fighting full steam ahead.
My secret is simply this. I accept your love and support. You are the reason that I do this. It would be so much easier to say screw it and move on to the eternal shopping mall and to live in a world where chocolate doesn’t make your clothes shrink, but I would rather be here with you. I want to be available for you in your time of need. To lift you up when you need it. I don’t care about beating statistics. I care about you and I am learning more and more every day that I simply, care about me.
Boy I sure have rambled on with this post. Guess I needed to give myself a pep talk. Thank you for being here with me on this crazy, unpredictable ride. I am signing off now to make myself a delicious green smoothie. It looks so much better when I serve it up in a wine glass. Cheers!
My fresh green glass of whoop-ass!